Torchwood in the Hundred Acre Wood
by TheAngelsHaveMyPhonebox
Summary: The Torchwood team are stuck in a Winnie the Pooh story. How did they get there and how will they get home? The Hundred Acre Wood will never be the same! With apologies to A.A Milne.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note: This is my first fanfic. I've had the idea for a while but finally had the guts to post it. This will hopefully be part of a larger series eventually. If the story seems familiar it is as I pretty much copied a lot of the original Pooh story, so no originality points for me. It was a lot of fun to write though. Big thanks go out to my co-conspirator, partner-in-crime and beta Thatsharrassmentsir. I couldn't have done it without ya!**

**Review are appreciated. As are cookies.**

**Disclaimer: Torchood belongs to RTD and the BBC, Winnie-the-Pooh belongs to AA Milne and Walt Disney. This is just for fun. My sincerest apologies to Mr. Milne.**

**Chapter 1**

**_In Which We are Introduced to Torchwood _**

**_And Some Bees and the Stories Begin_**

Here is Ianto Jones, coming downstairs now, thump, thump, thump, bringing Jack his coffee. It is, as far as he knows, the only way of coming downstairs, but sometimes he feels that there really is another way, if only he could stop running Torchwood for a moment and think of it. And then he feels that perhaps there isn't. Anyhow, here he is at the bottom, giving Jack his coffee. Sometimes Ianto Jones likes to archive things and sometimes he likes to make coffee, and sometimes he likes to sit quietly by himself and listen to a story. This evening-

"_What about a story?" said Jack._

"_What about a story?" I said._

"_Could you very nicely tell Ianto one?"_

"_I suppose I could," I said. "What sort of stories does he like?"_

"_I'm standing right here," said Ianto, a little crossly._

"_About himself. Because he is __**that**__ sort of Archivist."_

"_Oh, I see."_

"_What sort of archivist?" asked Ianto suspiciously?_

"_So could you, very nicely?"_

"_Oh, please don't," said Ianto._

"_Shush!" said Jack, shushing him._

"_I'll try." I said._

_So I tried._

Once upon a time, a very long time ago now, about last Friday, Ianto found himself living in a large forest called the "Hundred Acre Wood". He was not entirely sure how he came to be living in a large forest when he normally lived in Cardiff, but there you are. Ianto rather thought that this had something to do with the Rift but although he was an archivist of Very Large Brain, the Rift was often beyond him. He usually left it to Tosh or Jack to figure out. Sometimes he thought it mattered and sometimes he didn't but there you are. He supposed that it was just the way things are.

One day when he was out walking, he came to an open place in the middle of the Forest, and in the middle of this place was a large oak-tree, and from the top of the tree, there came a loud beeping noise, and some very loud buzzing. Ianto Jones sat down at the foot of the tree; he put his head between his hands and began to think.

First of all he said to himself, "That beeping noise means something. And so does the buzzing. The only reason I know for a beeping noise is because you are a Rift Activity Locater. And the only reason I know for a buzzing noise is because you are a Bee. And then he thought some more and said, "If we get the Rift Activity Locater it might tell us how to get home. And we might also get some hunny! I should alert the others."

So he alerted the others and soon Jack, Gwen, Tosh, Owen and Ianto were standing by the oak-tree and wondering about the beeping noise and the buzzing noise.

"It must be the Rift Activity Locator," Said Tosh.

"No shit," said Owen.

"It appears to be stuck inside a beehive," added Gwen helpfully. "How did it get up there? She wondered.

"Oh, great," said Jack. "It must have fallen in there when we came through the Rift."

"What I want to know is why the hell are we stuck inside a Winnie-the-Pooh story?" complained Owen crossly.

"Shush!" shushed Jack.

"We don't know," said Tosh. "Perhaps if we get our Rift Activity locater we can find out."

"How do we get it down?" asked Gwen, looking nervously at the Very Large Tree and the Very Loud Bees, hoping it would not be Her going up there.

"Oi! Teaboy! Climb up and get it!" said Owen very loudly.

"Hey!" said Jack, also very loudly. "Nobody orders Ianto around but me! Ianto, climb up that tree and get the Rift Activity Locater!"

"_Why am I going up the tree?" interrupted Ianto. "Jack is much better at climbing trees than I am."_

"_Because the story is about you," I said._

"_And I love looking at your ass when you climb," added Jack helpfully._

_Ianto said nothing but his ears got redder and redder, and I confess mine did as well._

So Ianto took off his very nice suit jacket, folded it neatly, and he began to climb the tree.

He climbed and he climbed and he climbed and as he climbed he sang a little song to himself. It went like this:

**Isn't it funny?**

**How an archivist likes hunny?**

**Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!**

**I wonder why he does?**

"_I don't sing," interrupted Ianto again._

"_Here here," said Owen._

"_Don't be like that Owen," said Gwen._

"_Ianto has a lovely voice," said Tosh._

"_I love those welsh vowels", said Jack._

"_May I continue?" I said._

"_Fine," said Ianto in a grumbly sort of voice._

Then he climbed a little further… and a little further… and then just a little further. By that time he had thought of another song.

**"It's a very funny thought that if Archivists were Bees,**

**They'd build their nests at the _bottom_ of trees.**

**And that being so (if the bees were Archivists),**

**We shouldn't have to…**

"Oh bother! What rhymes with "archivist?""

He was getting rather tired by this time, so that is why he sang a Complaining Song. He was very nearly there, and if he just stood on that branch…

**CRACK!**

"Oh, help!" said Ianto as he dropped ten feet on the branch below him.

''If only I hadn't-' he said, as he bounced twenty feet on to the next branch.

"You see Jack should have really-," he explained, as he turned head over heels, and crashed on to another branch thirty feet below, "what should have happened was-"

"Of course, it was rather-" he decided as he slithered very quickly through the next six branches.

"It all comes, I suppose," he decided as he said good bye to the last branch, spun round three times, and flew gracefullyonto Jack, "it all comes of liking Jack so much. Oh, help!"

"Didn't that hurt?" asked Tosh.

"Isn't Ianto too heavy?" asked Gwen, a little jealously.

"No," said Jack.

"Get a room," said Owen. "Now what do we do?

They all waited patiently while Ianto got off of Jack, blushed, and straightened his tie.

"Well, if I remember correctly I think we're supposed to try a balloon next," said Gwen.

"You think we have to follow the story?" asked Tosh curiously.

"Well, we seem to be stuck inside a story, so that would make sense," said Jack.

"Are you all nuts?" asked Owen. "I say we just chop down the tree, get the Rift Activity Locater and get the hell out of here! What do we need to follow the story for?"

"Well," said Tosh. "We don't have an axe, and I doubt we will find one in the Hundred Acre Wood. Following the story would seem to be logical."

"I agree," agreed Gwen.

"And I just happen to have some balloons in my pocket," added Jack helpfully, pulling out a handful of balloons.

"_**JACK! THOSE AREN'T BALLOONS!"**_ said Gwen very loudly

"That's _**DISGUSTING**_ Harkness," said Owen

Tosh said nothing but had the sort of look on her face that said she agreed with Gwen and Owen.

Ianto just blushed very loudly.

"You can blow them up. Besides, where are we going to find balloons in a wood?"

"_Are you really going to let Jack get away with this?" asked Ianto._

"_He does seem to be high-jacking the story," I agreed, a little put out by the Sudden Change in Plan._

"_I'm helping!" said Jack helpfully._

Jack blew up the balloons and was about to fasten them to Ianto with a long piece of string when Gwen interrupted him, much to Ianto's Very Great Annoyance.

" Doesn't he have to disguise himself?"

"What do you mean?" said Jack.

"Yes, what do you mean?" asked Ianto.

"I think she means that the bees might get suspicious," added Tosh.

"You think?" said Owen. "Perhaps they always get Welsh Archivists floating up to their nests to get some honey, and, Oh, by the way can we have our Rift Activity Locator back?"

"Not helping Owen" said Jack.

"Ianto has to disguise himself as a little black rain cloud" said Gwen, ignoring Owen. "It's like this. When you go after a Rift Activity Locater-"

"And Hunny," said Ianto.

"Right. When you are going after a Rift Activity Locater, and hunny, with a balloon, the great thing is not to let the bees know you are coming.

"Because bees are smart," said Owen.

"Shush," said Gwen. "Now, if you have a blue balloon they might think you were only part of the sky, and not notice you.

"Won't they notice Me under the balloon?" Ianto asked.

"They might and they might not," said Gwen. "You never can tell with Bees. That's why Ianto has to disguise himself as a little black rain cloud."

"No," said Ianto. "And besides, the balloons are not blue."

"They are ribbed for your pleasure," added Jack helpfully.

We must pause here briefly while Jack is berated and Hit several times for Inappropriate Comments, and Ianto has time to stop blushing quite such an Alarming shade of red and must breathe deeply to calm down.

"Ianto, go roll in that mud puddle!" ordered Jack.

"No," said Ianto. "Sir, This is a new suit and I don't want to get it muddy."

"It's already ruined from the fall," said Gwen.

Ianto Ignored her.

"Please Ianto" said Tosh, very sweetly. "We really do need that Rift Activity locator. When I have it I can try and use it to get us home."

"And I can help you clean up in the bath afterwards," said Jack.

Ianto reluctantly walked over to the mud puddle and very gingerly lay down in it while Jack was hit several more times.

Ianto rolled and rolled until he was muddy all over.

"Am I dirty enough now sir?" he asked.

Jack was restrained from answering by Gwen and Tosh and Owen for which I am grateful. They blew the balloons up as big as they could and tied them to Ianto who gracefully flew up to the top of the tree and stayed there-level with the top of the tree. And about twenty feet away from it.

"Bother" said Ianto. "How do I look?"

"Like a world class prat," laughed Owen.

"Not," said Gwen anxiously, "-not like a small, black rain cloud in a blue sky?"

"Not much."

"Oh well" said Gwen as Ianto rolled his eyes, "Perhaps from up there it looks different. And as I say, you never can tell with Bees."

"We so need to get out of here," said Owen.

"It could be worse, we could be stuck in a TinTin book," said Tosh.

"**THAT'S NOT FUNNY**!" shouted Owen.

"What's next?" asked Jack.

"I think we are supposed to have umbrellas and walk around underneath the tree saying, "Tut-tut, it looks like rain," said Gwen.

"We don't have umbrellas" called down Ianto. "And could we hurry this up please? I'm worried that the bees are beginning to get Suspicious!"

The bees were starting to buzz suspiciously and in a way that Greatly Alarmed Ianto. Indeed some of them had left their nests and flew all around Ianto not at all convinced that he was a little black rain cloud like Gwen said. He could see the Rift Activity Locater. If he could just move a little closer he could reach it. Ianto began kicking his legs in a decidedly undignified fashion hoping that the movement would propel him closer to the Bees' Nest.

"I believe I can almost reach it Sir", said Ianto.

One bee came and sat on the end of his nose. Ianto started to Worry.

"Jack! OW! Jack!" called out Ianto.

"Yes?"

"I have just come to a very important conclusion. These are the wrong sort of Bees!"

"Are they?"

"Quite the wrong sort. So I should think they make the wrong sort of hunny, shouldn't you?"

"Except we aren't after hunny Ianto."

"Bother," said Ianto. "I can't reach the beehive, my arms are killing me, I can't reach the Rift Activity Locater and I really need a coffee!"

"That's a point," said Tosh. "How are we going to get him down?"

"Easy!" said Owen. "I'll just shoot him down!"

"Whoah!" said Jack. "Nobody's shooting anybody down!"

"We could just wait for the air to leak out of the balloons" said Gwen.

"But that could take, OW! Hours!" called Ianto.

"Any other suggestions?" asked Jack.

"Just let me shoot one balloon!" pleaded Owen. "The air will leak out and Ianto will gently float to the ground. Easy."

"Oh God!" said Ianto. "You're going to let Owen shoot me!"

"I think it's a good plan," added Gwen.

"It might be our only option," agreed Tosh.

"Bother!" said Jack. "I guess we have no choice. But _**I'm**_ the one doing the shooting!"

"Spoilsport," muttered Owen.

So Jack took out his Webley and aimed very carefully at one of Ianto's balloons.

"**OWWWWWWWWWWW!"**

"Did I miss?" Jack asked.

"You didn't exactly miss," said Ianto, "but you missed the balloon!"

"I am so sorry!" said Jack. "I promise to kiss it better!"

He aimed again and this time hit one of the balloons which instead of gently floating him to the ground popped with such a Loud Pop that it blew Ianto straight into the Bee's nest before hurling him to the ground. Very luckily this time he landed on Owen.

"Bother," said Jack.

"Ooooof!" said Ianto

"Is everyone all right?" asked Gwen.

"You got the Rift Activity Locater!" squealed Tosh.

."Get off me!" said Owen.

So Tosh got her Rift Activity Locater and Jack got Ianto back. Ianto's arms were so stiff from holding the balloon that Jack promised him a hot bath and a Very Long Massage. Owen was very put out that he did not get to shoot any balloons.

_"Is that the end of the story?" asked Owen._

_"That's the end of this story," I said._

_"We haven't even got home yet!"_

_"Ah," I said, "That's a story for another day."_

_"Bother!" said Owen._

_"Am I in these stories?" asked Jack._

_"Of course," said I. "And Gwen, and Tosh and Owen. Don't you remember?"_

_"I do remember," said Jack. "Except when I don't."_

_"That day when you and Ianto tried to catch the Heffalump-"_

_"We didn't catch it did we?"_

_"No."_

_"I do remember," he said, "only Ianto doesn't very well, so that's why he likes having it told to him again."_

_"I have almost total perfect recall sir."_

_"Shush!" said Jack. "Come on Pooh Bear! Let's go have that bath!"_

_"You are not allowed to call me that!" blushed Ianto._

_And Jack gave a happy sigh, took Ianto by the arm and off he went for his bath. In a moment I heard Ianto thump, thump, thump, going up the stairs behind him._

**_The End_**

**(For Now)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Note: Here is chapter two where the adventures continue for our beloved Torchwood Team. Thanks to everyone who took the time to review my story or add it to their lists. You've really encouraged me to keep going! And also to my beta and muse ThatsHarrassementSir for her invaluable help! **

**Reviews appreciated. Or you can send vanilla cupcakes.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own them, that would be RTD and A.A Milne. I'm just going to borrow them a little.  
**

**Chapter 2**

_In Which Ianto Loses a Tie and Jack Finds Him One_

One day Jack was stumping merrily through the Hundred Acre Wood, humming carelessly to himself and thinking of nothing very much in particular when he happened to spot Ianto, standing by himself in a thistly field and looking very gloomy. Since Ianto was one of his very favouritist people in the whole world and was wearing a very fetching grey pinstripe Jack happily stumped over to wish him good day. & maybe steal a kiss or two.

"Hallo Ianto!" called Jack. "How's my favourite Welshman today?"

"Oh, hello sir," said Ianto, in a rather gloomy sort of voice. Jack paused to look him over. Ianto, as usual, looked good enough to eat, but he certainly seemed much more quiet than usual. Jack felt that something Must Be Up.

"What's up with you?" he asked. "You don't seem your self at all today."

"I don't know sir, I've just been feeling off for a while, like something is missing."

"Hmmm," hmmmd Jack. Ianto did indeed appear to be missing something. Jack thought and thought and thought.

"Is it coffee?"

"Well, yes I am missing coffee", admitted Ianto, "although I have developed quite a fondness for hunny now."

Jack thought again.

"Is it Myfanwy?"

"I do miss Myfanwy but that's not it either," sighed Ianto.

"Is it Tosh?"

Ianto shook his head. "That's not quite it sir."

"Gwen?"

Ianto frowned.

"Owen?"

Ianto scoffed.

"Is it me?" grinned Jack.

Ianto rolled his eyes.

Jack was really stumped now. He hmmmed and hummed and scratched his head & thought extra extra hard.

He walked round and round Ianto, trying to think what he could possibly be missing. He got distracted.

"Sir, please stop staring at my ass."

"Sorry, can't resist," grinned Jack. He continued walking around Ianto and came to a stop in front of him. He really did love that pinstripe suit. And that waistcoat was just begging to be…

Finally Jack Noticed Something.

"Why Ianto, what's happened to your tie?"

"What _has_ happened to it?"

"It's not there!"

"Are you sure?"

"Either a tie is there or it isn't there. There's no mistaking it. And yours _isn't_. Have you been having fun without me?"

"Then what is there?"

"Nothing!"

"Let me see," said Ianto.

Ianto looked down where his tie should be and upon not seeing it there he thought that perhaps it had blown over his shoulder when a light breeze came up and he hadn't noticed. So he twisted round slowly one way and when he didn't see it he tried twisting round the other way until he had turned a full circle. Then he thought that perhaps the tie had been sneaky, as ties sometimes are, and it had flipped over his other shoulder again when he wasn't paying attention so he turned round a few more times just to be sure. Then he thought perhaps it was hidden under his suit jacket, so he took that off. Then he thought that perhaps it was hidden underneath his waistcoat so he took that off too. He finally realized that his tie was not where it should be and stopped taking off his clothes, completely ruining Jacks' Good Time.

"I believe you are right Jack," he sighed, "My tie isn't here."

"Of course I'm right!" said Jack.

"That accounts for a good deal," mused Ianto. "Someone must have taken it!"

"Don't look at me," said Jack, "Here, you can even check my pockets."

Jack proceeded to turn out his pockets, which contained many interesting and embarrassing things but not Ianto's tie. Jack waited patiently for Ianto to stop blushing. He wanted to say something helpful but he couldn't quite think of anything helpful to say. So he decided to do something helpful instead.

"Ianto", he said solemnly, grabbing him by the shoulders, "I, Captain Jack Harkness, will find your tie for you."

"Really sir?" asked Ianto.

"Really," said Jack.

"By yourself sir?"

"Yep."

"Are you sure?"

"What are you trying to say Ianto?"

"Nothing sir, I'm sure you'll be very successful." If possible Ianto now looked even gloomier.

"Hey! Don't give me that look!"

"What look sir?"

"_That_ one! The one that says I couldn't find my way out of a one way street!"

"Well there was that one time sir…"

Jack just stuck his hands in his pocket and gave him a Look.

"I'll find your tie, Pooh Bear, just you wait!"

"PLEASE don't call me that Jack!"

So off went Jack to find Ianto's tie.

It was a beautiful spring morning in the forest as Jack started out. The sunshine dappled the forest floor and the leaves shone a beautiful bright green. Birds sang and honey bees' hummed and small streams gurgled. God, Jack missed the Hub. Jack marched through copses and spinneys, across a small brook, and over some hills until he came to a sandy bank with a round door in it, where his good friend Owen lived.

"Maybe Owen has seen Ianto's tie," thought Jack. So he pounded hard on the door, and yelled very loudly in case Owen did not hear the knocking.

"OWEN! ARE YOU HOME?" yelled Jack.

"JESUS HARKNESS! I can hear you twenty miles away!" said Owen, coming out of his sandy hole.

"I wasn't sure you were in," said Jack. "Nice place you've got here. Very cozy."

"It's alright I suppose, for a hole in the ground. Reminds me of the apartment I had in Uni. What's up?"

"I am looking for Ianto's tie. Have you seen it?"

"What the hell would I be doing with Teaboys' tie?" asked Owen.

"Tie's are fun," said Jack.

"You _would_ say that," muttered Owen.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Ianto is very upset and I can't stand to see him so gloomy. Will you help me look for it?"

"Not a chance, it's Teaboys own fault for losing the bloody thing. Besides that I'm busy."

"Doing what?" asked Jack suspiciously.

"I'm autopsying a rabbit," said Owen.

"Excuse me?" said Jack

"A rabbit. I'm autopsying it. Got to keep my hand in, you know."

"A rabbit."

"Yeah."

Jack thought about this for a moment, and then decided he really Didn't Want to Know.

"Okay," said Jack, "well, I'm off to find Ianto's tie."

"Fine," muttered Owen, "not like there's not more important things to do like finding a way out of this weirdo storybook world the Rift dropped us into. No, ties are WAY more important."

"What?" said Jack.

"Nothing. Good luck finding Teaboys' tie." Said Owen. And with that he popped back into his hole again.

Jack continued marching through the woods. He walked down open slopes of gorse and heather, over rocky banks of streams, up a steep bank of sandstone, through a grove of beech trees and down open slopes of gorse and heather. Then he realized he had walked round in a circle so he went back up over the rocky banks of streams, down a steep bank of sandstone, and through a grove of birch trees until he was quite turned around, all the while thinking of what a wonderful invention a tie was and how Grateful Ianto would be to Jack when he found it for him. He was just thinking of ways that Ianto might be grateful when he saw that he was in the Hundred Acre Wood. And it was here that his good friend Tosh lived.

"And if anyone knows anything about anything it is Tosh," thought Jack.

Tosh lived in a very grand place called "The Chestnuts" which was really just a very big tree. However, Jack thought it really _was_ rather grand, much grander than Owens' rabbit hole because Tosh's house had both a doorknocker_ and_ a fancy bell-pull. There was sign on Tosh's door that read, "No Junk mail or Solicitors"

And then another sign that read, "Please use knocker or bell-pull if you require assistance."

So Jack pulled the bell-pull and knocked the doorknocker, and then for good measure he knocked the bell-pull and pulled the doorknocker, while kicking the door with his very heavy work boots and yelling, "Toooooshhh? Are you home?"

"JACK!" said Tosh, managing to sound exasperated and happy to see Jack all at the same time. "What is it?"

"Hallo Tosh," said Jack with a big grin, "how's things?"

"Fine Jack, I was just trying to see if I could find a correlation between the Rift, the Time Vortex, magnetic fields, Faradays equation and Winnie the Pooh."

"Oh," said Jack.

"I'm looking for Ianto's tie. He has lost it and is very sad and I am going to find it for him. I was hoping you could help."

"Of course!" said Tosh, "come on in."

"Poor Ianto," said Tosh as she got Jack some tea, "he must be missing his tie dreadfully."

"Yes," said Jack, "it's very important I get it back for him. I was wondering where to start."

"Well, the customary procedure," began Tosh.

The Crustimony Proceedcake?" asked Jack. "What is that? Are we having it with our tea?"

"No, the _Customary Procedure,_ Jack!" said Tosh, a little more loudly than she needed to. "It means the Thing To Do. Are you getting hard of hearing?"

"No, I was just teasing."

"Oh," said Tosh a little crossly. "As I was saying the customary procedure in such cases is to issue a reward, then-"

"Excuse you," said Jack. "What were you saying?"

"What was I saying what?"

"What were you saying before you sneezed?"

"I didn't sneeze!" said Tosh, a little indignantly.

"You did," said Jack.

"I didn't," said Tosh.

"You di-"

"AS I WAS SAYING," interrupted Tosh, " the first thing we should do is issue-"

"Bless you," said Jack.

" I didn't sneeze!"

"Excuse me Tosh, I think you'll find you did. _Again_."

"I think I would know if I sneezed Jack. You can't sneeze without knowing it. It's scientifically impossible."

"Well, you can't know it without something having been sneezed."

"What I _said_ was, First _**ISSUE**_ a Reward."

"You're doing it again," said Jack sadly, shaking his head. "Maybe this tree is giving you allergies."

"I DON'T HAVE ALLERGIES!"

Tosh decided to count to ten before she spoke to Jack again, to give herself time to calm down. She had just got to 150 when Jack spoke up.

"Maybe we should put out a reward."

Tosh started counting again.

"You know, we could write up notices to say we will give a very large reward to whomever finds Iantos' tie and put them up all over the forest."

"Excellent idea Jack" said Tosh through gritted teeth.

"I'm surprised you didn't think of it Tosh, guess that's why I'm the leader of Torchwood."

"Now," said Jack while Tosh began counting again, "do you have something we can write with?"

"I'll get a pen and some paper."

"Excellent."

"Any idea what we'll _offer_ as a reward?"

"Hmmmm," thought Jack. "What would woodland animals in a beautiful picturesque setting want as a reward for finding a tie?"

"I have no idea. It's not like we have any money."

"True" sighed Jack. " I know! I'll give whoever finds the tie a great big kiss! With tongue," he added.

"Ianto will just find his tie himself if that's the case" muttered Tosh.

"What?" said Jack.

"Nothing. So no ideas then on a reward?"

"Nope."

"Well, while we're thinking of that can I talk to you about some of the findings I've had regarding our situation here? See, what I think happened is this. We were studying that strange machine we found, you know the one we found just before that huge surge of Rift activity? Well, I think it activated this machine and somehow the Rift and this machine harnessed each other's energies and we were pulled into this alternate universe, which happens to be just like a Winnie the Pooh book. What I found from the Rift Activity Locater is that this machine we were studying, which is absolutely amazing technology by the way, really brilliant, this machine and the Rift…."

Jack gave a deep sigh as Tosh rattled on an on about Rift Activity and Science and Math and Space Time Fluctuations. He tried very hard to listen to what Tosh was saying. But Tosh just rambled on and on and on and began using bigger and bigger words and soon Jack drifted off into a very pleasant daydream about how happy Ianto would be when Jack found his tie and all the very pleasant things that Jack might ask Ianto to do as a thank you. He was just getting to a particularly good bit when Tosh gave a very loud "AHEM!" and startled Jack out of his daydream.

"Well I should get going and put these notices up," said Jack, getting up and stretching.

"I do hope you find Iantos' tie," said Tosh. "And we really do need to have a team meeting and discuss the best way to approach finding a way home."

"Absolutely," agreed Jack. "Thanks for the tea. I loved the Crustomary Proceedcake."

"Anytime Jack," sighed Tosh.

She followed Jack to her door and let him out.

"Do let me know how you make out," said Tosh.

But Jack wasn't paying attention. As usual. Instead he was staring very intently at Toshs' bell-pull.

"That's a pretty fancy bell-pull Tosh," began Jack, "wherever did you find it?"

"What bell pull?" asked Tosh looking curiously out her door.

"This one," said Jack, showing her. "See? It says "Please pull knocker or ring doorbell for assistance". I'm surprised at you Tosh, mistaking a tie for a bell-pull," said Jack sadly shaking his head. Tosh was usually much more On The Ball than that. Perhaps this place was getting to her.

"I didn't even _write_ that! Look! Someone added in the bell-pull part with a biro. Someone's idea of a joke, and they were trying to frame me for it!"

"Hey you two! Did you find Teaboys tie yet?" called Owen as he sauntered over to them.

"This was you who did this!" said Tosh angrily shaking Ianto's tie at Owen.

Owen just smirked and said, "You'll never prove it!"

"That's clearly _your_ handwriting on this sign. _And_ it's just the sort of thing you would do, you prat!"

Owen just laughed. "Okay, fair cop! It was me. I took Teaboys tie."

Jack gave Owen a Very Stern look. "I'm surprised at you Owen. You told me you hadn't seen his tie! This is insubordination! Poor Ianto is so gloomy already about having no coffee and then you go and steal his tie!"

"Yes Owen, you really owe him a big apology," agreed Tosh. "Where did you find it?"

"Jack and Teaboy were skinny dipping in the river and I came along and took it. And saw more than I ever wished to see," he added with a dark look at Jack.

"Owen!" said Tosh.

"Jealous?" leered Jack.

"Poor Ianto, how will we make it up to him? And it really did make a lovely bell-pull. Where-ever shall I find another?" sighed Tosh.

"I'll help!" said Jack patting her on the shoulder. "Ianto and Gwen and I will find you a new bell-pull. A nicer one, that's silk with lovely patterns on it just like this tie. I wonder where the nearest tie shop is?" he mused.

"Will you all listen to yourselves?" said Owen. "It's a _**tie**_ for chrissakes! What is it about this weird place that's making you all act and talk like four year olds?! And capitalizing Odd Words in your sentences? We need to get back to Cardiff before we all have the mental capacity of a toddler and start having magic tea parties or something!"

"I have no idea what you are talking about," said Jack. "We're all still completely normal here. At least _I_ am. And Ianto. Except for being upset about his tie. Besides, you're the one autopsying rabbits!"

"You're what?" said Tosh.

"Yeah like that's the weirdest thing going on here. I'm a doctor! It's normal to want to autopsy things! It's not like I have aliens to do it on anymore. And it takes a high degree of intelligence to do it. You lot are running around looking for ties and hunny and…"

"I wonder if Gwen would like a tea-party" wondered Tosh.

"See, _**t**__**his**_ is what I'm Talking About! Shit! It's Still Happening! How do you Turn This Off?!!!!" ranted Owen.

"He does have a point," said Tosh. "You wouldn't _believe_ the things I'm finding myself doing. We really need to figure out a way home soon. I'll see if I can find any more information on how we got here. If we know that we might be able to find a way to reverse this. But first I think I will help Gwen with that tea party. She may need someone of my superior brain to help her plan it."

"And I had better give Ianto his tie back before he misses it for very much longer. And so he can give me a very Big Thank you!" grinned Jack.

Owen just put his head in his hands and groaned.

So Jack took Ianto's tie and carried it back to him. As expected Ianto was overjoyed at the sight of his beloved tie, and of course that Jack had found it for him. He was rather more embarrassed when Jack explained how Owen had found the tie and Jack had to wait for him to stop blushing and talking about how certain outdoor activities Always Led to Trouble before he got his long awaited thank you. Which lasted well in to the night.

**The End**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3****  
**

_In Which Jack Discovers Some Mushrooms and_

_We Discover What Jacks Like Best_

Ianto woke up suddenly in the middle of the night and listened. He got up, lit his candle, stumped across to his hunny cupboard and checked to see if anybody was trying and to get in, and they weren't so he stumped back again, blew out his candle and went to bed.

Then he heard the noise again.

"Is that you Owen?" he said.

But it wasn't.

"Come in Tosh," he said sleepily.

But she didn't.

"Tell me about it tomorrow Gwen," he yawned.

But the noise went on.

"Warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra-warra," said Whatever It Was.

Ianto suddenly found that he wasn't sleepy anymore.

He got out of bed and stumped warily to the door.

"What can it be?" he thought. "I'm getting used to these foresty noises and this isn't one I've heard before. It's not a purr or a bark or a growl. It's an I've-Never-Heard-This-Noise Before noise and I don't like it one bit! Oh, I wish Jack was here with his Webley!"

Ianto thought a bit more. "Well, whatever it is it's not stopping making a noise, so I had better see if I can get it to stop. Whatever it is."

So Ianto cautiously opened the door, and holding his broom very tightly just in case, took a deep breath and called out-

"OI! QUIT IT YOU BASTARD ANIMAL OR I'LL TAKE THIS BROOM TO YOU SEE IF I DON'T! I MEAN IT!" He shook his broom threateningly.

The Whatever-it-Was stopped its noise.

"Hallo?" called out Ianto nervously.

"Hallo!" answered the Whatever-it-Was happily.

"Oh!" said Ianto. "Hallo!"

"Hallo!"

"Where are you?" asked Ianto, peering into the dark and clutching his broom tightly.

"Here I am!" said the Whatever-it-Was bouncing happily up to Ianto & knocking him to the floor.

"SIR! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING MAKING WEIRD NOISES OUTSIDE MY DOOR AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT. YOU SCARED ME HALF TO DEATH!"

"Sorry," laughed Jack, "but you weren't waking up when I knocked. I had to get your attention somehow! And Jacks like making loud noises in the middle of the night."

"Well, you might as well come in then," grumped Ianto. "Would you like some breakfast? What do you feel like?"

"I don't know," mused Jack. "What do Jacks like to eat?"

"How should I know?" asked Ianto, looking at Jack rather oddly. "Have you hit your head recently?"

"Not that I know of. Why do you ask?"

"Nothing," said Ianto hastily. "Well, I'll just see what I have then."

Ianto started to look in his cupboards for breakfast while Jack began talking about the very Grand Adventure he had had that day. Ianto was still very tired so he sat down while Jack kept rambling on an on about how very brave he had been and how Jacks are expert Heffalump wranglers and so on. Next thing he knew he woke up at his kitchen table with his face stuck to his placemat. Jack was just finishing up his story.

"Very interesting, Sir," said Ianto yawing. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Ianto went to open it and there was Owen looking quite Put Out.

"Morning Teaboy, have you seen Jack?"

"He's in here. He's acting a bit odd."

"I noticed. I was giving him an exam when he wandered off. I've been looking for him everywhere, should have known he'd end up here at some point."

"Want some breakfast?"

"Yeah, alright."

Ianto went to his cupboards to find some breakfast while Owen pulled out his medical scanner. Ianto was just about to ask if Jacks liked bread and hunny when he noticed Jack standing in front of his looking glass.

"Jack?"

"Hallo Ianto! I've found somebody just like me! I thought I was the only one of them. And he's _almost_ as good looking!"

Ianto looked worriedly at Jack. "Jack, that's my looking glass! "Are you _sure_ you're quite alright?"

"He's having some sort of episode," said Owen trying to scan Jack with his scanner.

"Define "not alright," said Jack.

Owen started explaining the signs of Not Being Alright, and how one can tell if they have Gone Off the Deep End. He had just got to a particularly interesting bit when Jack said, "Excuse me a moment Ianto but there's something climbing up your table leg," and with a loud "Warra-warra-warra-warra-warra!" he pulled out his Webley and shot at the table a few times. He then leapt at the end of the tablecloth, pulled it to the ground and wrapped himself up in it several times before untangling himself, then jumping up and down and stomping on it for good measure.

"Got the bugger! You can thank me now if you like. Jacks usually prefer kisses. I think."

"Jack that's my tablecloth!"

"What the bloody hell is up with you Harkness?"

"Hey, it was crawling up Ianto's table! It could have been extremely dangerous! You're just lucky I was here to look after you!"

"It goes on the table and you put things on it! It's not dangerous sir!"

"Then how come it was trying to bite me?"

"I don't think it did sir."

"It tried," said Jack, "but I was too quick for it!"

He thought for a moment and then said, "Want me to try biting you? I could wrestle you to the ground?" he added hopefully.

Ianto just looked at Owen helplessly.

"What's _wrong_ with him?" he asked worriedly.

"I'm not _entirely_ sure," said Owen, "but I think Jack may have eaten some mushrooms that he _definitely_ should not have."

"Jacks don't like mushrooms," said Jack firmly.

"He's having some sort of hallucinatory experience and he seems to have some slight amnesia as well. I'll have to find what he's been eating to know for sure."

"The Hundred Acre Woods has hallucinogenic mushrooms?" asked Ianto doubtfully.

"It would explain a lot! Like why there are talking, singing, annoyingly happy, poetry reciting animals for a start!" huffed Owen. "Besides, I don't have any better ideas right now. Look, can you keep an eye on him for a little while and I'll see if I can figure out an antidote for him?"

Ianto looked doubtfully at Jack who was now having a cheerful argument with his coat rack and insisting that it's name was Janet and that it didn't look at all like a Barbara.

"I suppose so…"

"Good man," said Owen clapping him on the back. "I won't be long, I'll get Tosh to give me a hand. Just make sure he doesn't do anything stupid!"

And with that Owen dashed off, leaving Ianto with a Very Big Problem.

"Breakfast is ready Jack!" he called and Jack bounced eagerly over to the table and immediately took a big bite of bread and honey. It was fascinating to watch. First Jack looked at the ceiling with his head tilted to one side, chewing, and making exploring noises with his tongue and considering noises and what-have-we-got-here noises and then he said in a very decided voice:

"Jacks don't like honey."

"Don't they?" asked Ianto. "I thought they liked everything."

"Everything except honey. And tablecloths. And naughty coat racks who insist they are called Barbara when they so obviously look like a Janet."

"Riiiight," said Ianto slowly. "We'll just have to find you something else for your breakfast."

Ianto thought a moment. Owen had deserted him but he could probably get Gwen to help him out. Gwen needed no excuse to spend time with Jack. Rather like Ianto.

"I know we'll see what Gwen has to eat. I'm sure she'll have something you'll like."

"Do Jacks like Gwens?"

Ianto declined to answer instead saying a little too cheerfully, "Off we go then!"

So Jack and Ianto made their way to Gwen's house. On the way Ianto tried to explain to Jack that Gwens' were very nervous and did not like bouncy Jacks and that when he met her he had better not be too bouncy at first. And Jack, who had been hiding behind trees and jumping out and waving his Webley at Iantos shadow when it wasn't looking explained that Jacks were only bouncy _before_ breakfast but once they had had some they became Quiet and Refined.

Soon they came to Gwens house and Ianto knocked on her door while Jack bounced impatiently on his feet beside him.

"Hallo Ianto," said Gwen. "Hallo Jack!" she said with a bit more enthusiasm for Ianto's taste. "What a lovely surprise! Do come in."

"I'm Jack," said Jack.

"I know," said Gwen, smiling at him.

"Have you ever met a Jack before?" asked Jack. "I'm told I'm one of a kind!"

"Ummmm," said Gwen uncertainly.

"Owen thinks he might have eaten special mushrooms," whispered Ianto. "We're supposed to keep him out of trouble until Owen and Tosh find a cure."

"Oh!" said Gwen. "I'm sure_ I_ can manage that!"

"We," said Ianto.

"What?"

"We can manage that."

"Of course, that's what I meant," said Gwen, smiling a little too sweetly. Jack was looking at them interestedly.

"I'm very pleased to meet you Jack. Let's find you some breakfast shall we? What would you like?"

"I'm not sure," said Jack thoughtfully. "I know that Jacks don't like honey. Or tablecloths. But I'm sure we like everything else."

"Okaaaaay," said Gwen a little more uncertainly now. She went to her kitchen cupboards. "Let's see what we have shall we?"

She pulled out some cereal. "Let's try some cereal."

"Oh good!" said Jack, "Cereal really _is_ what Jacks like best!"

"Where did you find cereal?" asked Ianto.

Gwen poured Jack a generous bowl of cereal and added some milk. Ianto was just wondering where Gwen was able to get cereal and milk from when he couldn't even find a decent cup of coffee, when Jack grabbed a spoon and took a very large mouthful of cereal. Gwen and Ianto watched while Jack made some very loud munching noises. Then he got a funny look on his face and said: "Ee-ioers-u-a-i-ors."

And when Ianto and Gwen said "What?" he said "Skoos ee," and hurried off outside.

When he came back he said firmly, "Jacks don't like cereal."

"Oh?" said Gwen, surprised. "I thought they liked everything except honey."

"And tablecloths," added Ianto.

"And cereal," said Jack. "Bother!"

"Don't worry," said Gwen, patting Jacks arm soothingly. "I've got plenty more things to try."

They tried eggs, bacon, pancakes, muffins, and waffles but Jack didn't like any of them. He was just about to tell Gwen that Jacks didn't like waffles even with maple syrup, strawberries and whipped cream when Gwen leaned over and said, "You've got whipped cream all over your mouth. Here let me help you with that."

Jack watched intently while Gwen very slowly wiped the whipped cream off of Jacks face and licked it off her fingers. Then he got an Idea. He leaned forward and kissed Gwen who leaned in quickly to the kiss with a very loud sigh. Ianto watched in dismay as Jack kissed her very thoroughly and made Considering Noises and What –Have-We-Here noises, while Gwen just made I'm-So-Happy-Jack-Is-Finally-Kissing-Me noises. Finally Jack stopped, leaned back and looked thoughtfully up at the ceiling while running his tongue around his mouth. Then he said, very decidedly, "Jacks don't like kissing Gwens."

"WHAT!" said Gwen getting a dangerous look in her eye while Ianto tried very hard to hide a big grin.

"They like Gwens," Jack explained, not at all sure why she had suddenly got Upset, "they just don't like kissing them."

"We'd better be off then!" said Ianto jumping up very quickly and trying to distract Gwen from grabbing the giant iron skillet she seemed to be inching towards and rushing Jack to the door. "Thanks for breakfast Gwen! I'll pop round and see you later shall I?" And with that he hurried Jack out the door.

"But I didn't get any breakfast!" wailed Jack. "I'm starving! And I still don't know what Jacks like to eat!"

"It's okay sir," soothed Ianto. "We'll go visit Tosh. She'll have something you'll like for sure."

Jack decided he quite liked being soothed by Ianto and happily followed him through the woods, only bouncing occasionally at a stray leaf or sunbeam. While they were walking Ianto was thinking over the situation and wondering what they would do if they couldn't find something that Jacks liked and if Tosh and Owen had gotten any closer to finding a cure when he thought of a little song. He hummed it quietly while Jack flung himself at an unsuspecting patch of daisies, jumping at them headfirst in an effort to subdue them.

"What shall we do about our poor Jack?

He's wasting away from the lack of a snack.

He doesn't like honey or cereal or Gwens

Because of the taste or because they're not men.

But whatever his size from a speck to a moat,

He always seems bigger because of his coat!"

Ianto hummed it to himself a few more times and wondered idly at the Sudden Inclination to poetry and songwriting that these woods seemed to be having on him. He was just wondering if he should look for a publisher when they came in site of Toshs house.

Tosh was outside with Owen and they both looked up when they heard Jack and Ianto. Actually they could hear Jack from quite a ways away as he was making that peculiar noise again.

"Hallo Tosh! Hallo Owen," called Ianto. "I've brought Jack to see you and to see if we can find him some breakfast."

"Of course Ianto," smiled Tosh. "I think we've nearly figured out what Jack ate. We'll soon have an antidote ready. Owen are you alright?"

Jack had bounced up to Owen and was now sitting on top of him while Owen was sprawled on the ground.

"Get off of me Harkness!"

"Sorry!" said Ianto, "He seems to be "extra friendly" right now. No sense of personal boundaries at all."

"And this is different than usual how?" groused Owen as he finally pushed Jack off of him and stood up, dusting dirt from his trousers.

"Good point," admitted Ianto.

"Jacks are friendly," explained Jack helpfully.

Owen just glared.

"And I'm still hungry!" complained Jack. Right then his stomach made a very loud grumbly sound. "See?"

"We can't seem to find something he likes to eat," explained Ianto. "We've tried honey, cereal, eggs, bacon, pancakes, muffins and waffles with maple syrup, strawberries and whipped cream but Jacks don't seem to like any of those things."

"And tablecloths," added Jack. "And Gwens. Well, we _like _Gwens, we just don't like kissing them very much."

Tosh and Owen just raised their eyebrows at Ianto.

"Jack tried kissing Gwen," he said. "And didn't' like it," he added with a slight cough.  
"I bet she just loved that," said Tosh while Owen laughed loudly.

"Come on Jack. I'm sure I've got something you will like for breakfast," said Tosh.

"Good cause I'm starved!" said Jack bouncing after her.

Owen and Ianto and Jack followed Tosh into her kitchen. While she rummaged in her cupboards trying to find something Jacks liked to eat Owen grabbed a huge sandwich and took a big bite.

" What's that?" asked Jack.

"It's a sandwich," said Owen, still chewing. "It's my own special recipe. I call it the Owen Special."

Ianto was curious and was about to ask what exactly was _in_ an Owen Special when Jack suddenly launched a surprise attack at Owens sandwich, managing to take a huge bite out of it before Owen could snatch it out of his reach.

"HEY! THAT'S MINE YOU TOSSER!" yelled Owen while Tosh and Ianto yelled, "JACK!" at the same time. But Jack was too busy chewing his stolen mouthful of sandwich to pay them any attention. They heard a loud CRUNCH and then Jacks face suddenly went an interesting shade of red and a sweat broke out on his forehead.

"HOT!" yelled Jack suddenly sticking out his tongue, and fanning at it with his hands and spewing bits of Owen Special all over Toshs kitchen.

"Jacks don't like Owen Specials!" cried Jack, who was now running round in circles with his tongue hanging out and muttering, "hot hot hot hot hot hot," under his breath.

"That's because they have jalapeños in them," laughed Owen.

"You put jalapenos in your sandwich?" asked Ianto, raising an eyebrow.

"Only in an Owen Special. It has capicola, salami, horseradish, jalapeno spread, lettuce, onions, banana peppers and olives."

Ianto made a face at the strange list of ingredients but decided it was not worth wondering about. Instead he began wondering where Tosh had found jalapenos and if he had been going to quite the wrong market lately.

Meanwhile Jack had calmed down enough to take the glass of water that Tosh had got for him and then said that 'Jacks definitely did not like water.' Tosh began serving him breakfasty things in the hope that they would find something Jack would want to eat.

They tried sausages, muesli, oatmeal with brown sugar, crepes with fruit compote, hash-browns, porridge, crumpets, jam, frittata, Quiche Lorraine, Egg McMuffins, scones, bagels with cream-cheese and miso soup, but Jack liked none of it. He was just finishing telling Owen that Jacks most _definitely_ did not like tofu when Tosh turned to Ianto & said, "Oh, by the way I almost forgot, I managed to get something for you Ianto. I meant to tell you sooner but I wanted to surprise you!"

And with a flourish Tosh pulled out a bag of Ethiopian Yirgacheffe Special Blue Mountain Blend, coffee beans.

"COOOOOFFFEEEEEE!" said Ianto enthusiastically flinging himself at the bag. "How on earth did you manage to get some?"

"I have my little secrets," giggled Tosh. "I knew you'd be pleased!"

"You're the best," laughed Ianto while Owen clapped her on the back and said, "Nice one Tosh! Now Teaboy here can finally be useful and make a me a coffee!"

Ianto immediately got to work grinding the beans & brewing the coffee and soon the amazing aroma was filling Toshs kitchen. In no time at all Ianto, Owen and Tosh each had a cup in their hands.

Ianto held the fresh, steaming, cup of coffee. He took a long moment to gaze at his cup lovingly and think just how wonderful life was _really_ and that everything was suddenly Looking Up. Then he finally took that long awaited first sip. With a blissful sigh and a look of pure ecstasy on his face he let the wonderful flavour of coffee roll round his mouth. He was about to swallow it when a pair of hands grabbed his face and pulled him in for a hot, messy kiss. Owen and Tosh paused, with their cups of coffee halfway to their mouths and watched as Jack enthusiastically kissed Iantos' face off. They waited and waited and waited, and just when Owen was pretty sure that Ianto must have been suffering from a lack of oxygen, Jack broke off the kiss and Ianto took in a huge gasp of air that put Jacks resurrection breaths to shame. Jack looked up at the ceiling, and closed his eyes, and his tongue went round and round his mouth and a peaceful smile came over his face as he said, "So, _that's _what Jacks like best! They like _**Iantos**_!"

"And coffee!" he added with a big grin.

So that's why, if you were ever to go to Iantos house for breakfast you would always find bread, hunny, exceptional coffee and Jack. Gwen still had not quite forgiven Jack and stayed in her house in a huff until the smell of Iantos coffee was too much for her and she had to come out to have a cup. Owen and Tosh found an antidote to the mushrooms Jack had eaten and he was back to his old self in no time.

Except that he still insisted that Iantos coat-rack really did look like a Janet and not a Barbara.

The End


End file.
